When I left Indiana for Houston all I could think about was getting out, breaking free of my mom and stepfather. Leaving childhood friends, the church people, and the community behind didn’t bother me. I longed to get away and discover who I was without all the expectations of my friends and family, the church and the community. I was tired of what I perceived as their constant judging. I also felt betrayed by my best friend of ten years. We had grown up together in Crandall and then she moved, but we still attended the same school together.
Jill was my salvation. Without her friendship I likely would have killed myself years ago. She was always there at the other end of the phone and willing to listen. Her home offered a reprieve from my parents and their long to-do and do-not-do lists. Her mom was like a second mother to me, who used to tell me things like, “You’ve got curves. Boys like girls with curves.” My mother never spoke to me at all about boys. She certainly would never have discussed what boys liked when it came to a girl’s body. Any such talk was forbidden.
Jill and I always talked about getting an apartment together, but things changed. We had both been in relationships that ended suddenly and for awhile after that we went to party after party in Corydon, home of our school rival. My drinking was out of control and Jill started dating Daniel. Their relationship rapidly became serious and she no longer had time for me and all of my problems.
When I met Mel she soon became Jill’s replacement. The plan to move to Texas was better than the mere discussion of getting an apartment together in some as yet unnamed place. Moving to Texas would accomplish many things. One, it would seem as if all the stories I made up about my father loving me and wanting to be with me were true. Two, it wouldn’t matter because I would be so far away from Indiana I could tell any story I wanted to tell. I could make up any life I wanted to live, whether I was actually living it or not. The pressure of having to live up to an ideal would be magically lifted.
Now, here I was, back in Indiana, and I could no longer hide from the truth. I had written home to tell all my friends all about B and how in love we were. No one knew about my dad moving away from Houston while I was there, but that didn’t matter because now there was someone new who didn’t love me. And now I had a baby to top things off. It was no longer about me and how much I could screw up. I had managed to screw up my baby’s life as well. I was now a statistic.
Even though I didn’t get pregnant while I was in high school, I did have a baby and was not married. In Harrison County, that was as good as sealing your fate. You were destined to work as a waitress in one of the few eating establishments around, or at the chicken factory. I never really saw myself doing either one.
